Episode title: EP #7 Planning our First Family Wealth Meeting with Alexa Wowchuk (the other daughter)
Hosted by: Chris Raper and Brittany Pilgrim (Boomer and Gen Z)
Guest: Alexa Wowchuk (Millennial), eldest daughter/sister
Description box:
We may be hypocrites for saying this but... we've never actually had a "family wealth meeting" as a family. Boomer dad Chris would like to start though. Since we can't feasibly host our entire family on the podcast and record our first family meeting live (we considered it), we thought we would do a a live "prep meeting" with Chris and Brittany and the other daughter/sister, Alexa (Millennial). Things got vulnerable pretty quick. From family narratives, to what successful wealth management means to us, to the nitty gritty practical's, to the role of grandparents, to fighting dragons - we are so glad we had this conversation ahead of time.
As always, if you have any questions or feedback, we would love to hear from you: brittany.pilgrim@raymondjames.ca & chris.raper@raymondjames.ca
Thank you to Nathan Clark for composing our podcast music! He can be reached at nathancaclark@gmail.com.
Episode:
Brittany: [00:00:00] We're not getting younger. You're not getting younger. I feel like the time has come to…
Alexa: Yeah. Teach us how to care for the dragon so the dragon doesn't eat us.
Music interlude
Brittany: Welcome to From Generation to Generation. I'm Brittany, a Gen Z daughter here questioning her financial advisor, boomer dad, for financial guidance that can help families today.
Chris: And I'm Chris, the dad, and also wealth advisor with Aspira Wealth.
Brittany: And I'm not a wealth advisor, but I am trying to learn and do all of this well.
Chris: So if this is your first time listening, I want you to know that we think about wealth in three different categories. wealth of character, wealth of intellect, and finally, the money and our belief is that if we can't pass the first two, character and intellect, then the money will never last.
And that's really what this podcast is all about.
Brittany: So today's episode is all about family wealth meetings. And we decided since it is such a popular [00:01:00] topic, instead of Trying to have a intellectual conversation about family wealth meetings, we would actually just try to plan our first family wealth meeting because full disclosure, we've actually never had one, which feels a little hypocritical having this podcast.
So, since we can't host our entire family on this podcast, we thought we would at least bring in the other half of the sibling equation, which is my older sister, Alexa. And I'm sure she's very excited to get her side of the story heard finally on the podcast, as we've been telling many stories about our family. So today she gets her chance, but essentially you'll be a little bit of a fly on the wall today as we Prepare and plan and figure out how do you actually have a family wealth meeting and what does that look like for our family and hopefully that helps you figure out what it should look like for your family and maybe make your first steps a little bit less awkward.
We'll do the awkward part for you [00:02:00] today.
Chris: This feels like total exposure.
Brittany: Yes, it does.
Chris: So just to be clear, when we talk about having a family meeting on this podcast today, we're actually talking about having a family wealth meeting.
Brittany: Okay, should we bring Lex in?
Chris: Absolutely.
Brittany: So without further ado, my sister, Alexa.
Alexa: Hello everyone. good to be here. Nice to finally get to be in on, on the podcast.
Chris: And thank you, Alexa. It gives me great pleasure to introduce my favorite oldest daughter. And I never thought that the day would come when I would have my favorite oldest daughter and my favorite youngest daughter doing this work together and hopefully helping us help families.
Brittany: And Alexa, I don't remember the last time I spoke to you alone. without a baby on your hip.
Alexa: Also true. I know it feels kind of nice to be here solo.
Chris: Alexa why don't you start by just giving the audience a little bit of background on who you are and
Brittany: What generation are you?
Alexa: A millennial. So [00:03:00] Brittany and I, we were split. There's about four years between us. So we kind of straddle the millennial Gen Z cutoff date there.
Right now, I am mostly a stay at home mom. I have two little girls that are two and three months, so they keep me nice and busy, and then also in this season of life I do a bit of floral work so doing flowers for weddings and events and things like that.
Brittany: Alexa is the great provider of our, my niece, and dad's granddaughters.
Alexa: That's my role in the family right now is to provide everyone with babies to hold.
Brittany: Truly the next generation!
Alexa: Yes, I know. So yeah, it makes me really excited to get into this because I think I've thought about a lot of these questions a lot more recently since the girls have come into our lives. And yeah, as we're starting to kind of teach them about money and resources and all these different forms of wealth and what it looks like to pass those on to them.
Chris, you can say if this is true or not, but I think even having the girls around now has made you more conscious of this as well.[00:04:00]
Chris: Oh, absolutely. And I experienced this with my clients as well. All my clients want to do this well. And we don't necessarily have a great book resource that says this is how you do it. We're all stumbling along together trying to figure it out. And really, I'm just deeply appreciative of being able to have this intergenerational discussion Because I think not only is it going to help our family and help, Willa and Ember, our grandchildren, and hopefully more to come, no pressure well, maybe a little
Brittany: If I had a dollar.
Chris: But these are important things and valuable things. So I'm, I'm really excited to be able to share this, even though it's very humbling.
Brittany: as you say, there's not really a, There's no book to explain how to do this necessarily because every family is different and, what might feel right for our family isn't going to feel right for every family, but hopefully our discussion might [00:05:00] at least prompt conversation for other families, if not be relatable in some context. So why don't we start with Chris, dad, since this is your idea why do you want to have a family meeting?
Chris: because of what I have witnessed as a wealth advisor over my last 30 years in this industry. I have chaired a family wealth meeting before. I have. participated in family wealth meetings, and some of them went very well, and some of them just went south in a bad way. And to the extent it's possible I don't want my clients, the people we have influence over… Having a family wealth meeting that goes south in a bad way, you know, I think it's got to be a great experience and it's got to be a great experience for everybody involved. So that's why it's important to me.
Brittany: And I guess if I can get more [00:06:00] specific, why do you want to have a family meeting as a family? Like with our family?
Chris: I'm going to talk about money first. So there isn't much in life that isn't tied to money in one form or another, but money can be a great tool and it also can be a really destructive tool. It depends on how you. swing that hammer and where you hit the nail. So I'm hopeful that We can hit the nail on the head in a, in a positive impact. And to do that, we've got to address the character. We've got to address the intellect. And then my premonition is that the money will almost look after itself if we do that. you girls both know that if I had to choose two out of the three to pass to you and even to our grandchildren, clearly it would be. The character and the intellect, not the money.
Brittany: I guess maybe, I'm kind of curious, Alexa, why did you [00:07:00] agree to talk to us about this today?
Alexa: Well, I think I was really interested in this when you brought it up. And yeah, dad, even just. The opportunity to kind of have a, an official sit down family wealth conversation. Cause as I was thinking through just how we were brought up and I guess what kept coming to mind to me was all these different kind… of almost one off sayings that you would share over the years.
So it's like, I have almost this map in my mind of things that I would maybe peg as like values. or principles that you kind of live by and want us to press into, but I almost don't know what they're actually connected to or what it'll actually look like, what it'll look like practically.
So for example, I just have such a distinct memory of you often saying like, you girls aren't going to get any of the money. It's going to go to your kids.
And I'm like, that's fine. Like that, that's your call. But what, what does that look like? You know, [00:08:00] even I think in a season where recently just experiencing receiving money from granddad after his passing, dad, you were kind of the one, because you are our parent, you were sort of the one that said like, these were granddad's wishes that went with that money.
And so I think even thinking about this like generational thing, it's like, there was kind of this like, This gap almost that you had to fill and translate. So it's like, okay, even if you know, the financial wealth is going to go to the grandkids, I'm going to have to be the one most likely in that time, actually stewarding kind of the wishes and the character and the intellect that went in or that you would hope that would accompany that wealth.
And I also don't know if that's still like, you know, the exactly what's going to happen. So anyways, that was part of why I agreed to this conversation is I'm just curious, like what, what the game plan is.
Brittany: We're just…
Alexa: Yeah, I know. And, and I'm don't mean for this to be a, like [00:09:00] this negative exposure, but it's just, you know, there's, yeah, I'm just, I'm really curious what the game plan is, to be honest…
Brittany: Is there a game plan? I think maybe that's the purpose of today?
Alexa: To figure out if there is a game plan or what hole, what holes there are in our game plan?
Brittany: Create a game plan? I don't know.
So I guess in saying that, Lex part of our intro was, we said we haven't actually had a family wealth meeting. And so, in saying that, I guess to the room, what is difficult? About having a family meeting, like what feels challenging about that?
What makes it feel apprehensive in a way, what comes up for you?
Alexa: I think what comes up for me is, and maybe this is my personality, where it's like, I'm someone that I'm like, let's just lay it all out. Let's, let's know what we're working with here. And then we can, I feel like we can actually talk honestly [00:10:00] about expectations, hopes, desires, dreams, And I feel like culturally, or maybe within our family, there's a bit of a, a hesitancy to, to lay it all out for fear that, I, again, I think another thing I often heard growing up was just that, you know, the, the narrative is that kids that receive chunks of money from their parents don't do well.
Or that it's not healthy for them. So I think there's a hesitancy of even trying to figure out how to, to help, to hold that and be like, yeah, I don't want to like, yeah, mishandle anything that is passed on. But I also don't want to enter into it with an assumption that I will do bad things with it or you
Brittany: Yeah.
Alexa: Because I think that just, you know, it's, it's awkward to be in this place where you're like, I don't want to come across as spoiled or [00:11:00] entitled.
But I also do want to know what's up because actually I, I do hope to, to steward this well. And so,
Yeah, I think there's, that's what can make it uncomfortable and awkward is there's kind of cultural expectations maybe family narratives that have kind of been in the water. And then there's also reality and just who people are and their different dynamics and all that mixed together can make it a little uncomfortable.
Brittany: For me, I think it's similar to Lex, but there's a bit of a part of the, again, if we're speaking about family narratives, one of the narratives that I carry is that Mom and dad were always very hesitant to spoil us. which I'm grateful for, but also part of that narrative was I didn't feel trusted to take care of myself in that way.
It almost, that's the message that was received. Probably wasn't the message you were trying to send. But, so when [00:12:00] I think about sitting down and having a family meeting, that's I immediately feel like I need to be on the defense almost of, you know, not that I need to be right, but that I'm going to need to defend my character in a way, which is not the feeling I want to have going into this.
And then I think the other piece of it is I would like it to be like a wholehearted conversation which takes into discussion like everyone's values and I guess I'm a little fearful of it becoming, this is how you do it. Okay. Goodbye. Instead of a discussion, because in all honesty, our family is, is It isn't brilliant having wholehearted discussions all the time
Chris: Okay. And I'll share a little bit about my hesitancies, I guess. As I've sought to do this well, and I'm not saying I'm doing it well, or Arlene and I are doing it well. I [00:13:00] think we've slowly come to realize a few things. There's no question, Alexa, you know, you've talked about the money that granddad left you, and you were always told that you're not getting any money you know, it's going to your kids. There is some wisdom in that and not to get too far down the spiritual path, but in Proverbs, it does say a wise man leaves an inheritance for his children's children. And it doesn't say that a wise man doesn't leave anything for his Children. So I've rethought that a couple of times. And so just to let the air out of the room, there will be some provision for both you.
Brittany: Hahaha.
Chris: And there is certainly you know, I, I think grandparent to grandchild, there's, there's something in that, that is just a special connection. And I think, you know, [00:14:00] being able to pass character and intellect through that relationship, just, embodies things well for the future. So I don't want to lose sight of that. you know, to the extent possible we definitely want to be involved in our, our grandchildren's lives.
Alexa: And I, and I do think there, there very much as something to that data. I'm curious if you've ever perhaps read that proverb more in the terms of, I actually think it, it connects to your heart and this idea of being like multi generational really profoundly. But I think when I read that because of where it sits within the larger biblical narrative, and again, not to get overly spiritual about all this, but where it finds itself in there, this idea of like leaving something to your children's children, I actually don't think it's as…. literal.
As the idea of like, be sewing in to something that will actually [00:15:00] impact your children's children thinking generations down the line.
Chris: Dad, you don't need to be thinking about this strictly in terms of money. You have an inheritance to sow into my children's lives, which is far more important than the money probably.
Alexa: Also with that though, recognizing that part of how that is sewed is actually through me. Like, and so it's like, you have sewn into us, but I think this is even the importance of, The family meeting because it's kind of you're equipping Brittany and I to continue to sew this into our children and to be honest, it's like if it In some ways like if you kind of skip the middle generation in there, I actually think you are setting yourself up for Potentially more difficulty in the future because then it's like if the grandkids don't get it by the time you pass
Brittany: Yeah.
Alexa: [00:16:00] Who like who's actually gonna make sure that like that, that education and that discipling and stewarding is, is passed on to them.
Brittany: And it's not that it's just to clarify. It's not that Lex and I are worried about getting our money…
Chris: It's not your money!
Brittany: No I know, but that's just to make sure it's not about that. It's just… and I feel the same way about you know with how you spoke about it growing up it was almost like we were getting skipped over and but I think it's actually like a domino effect, you know…
Chris: And this, this whole conversation has been totally enlightening for me. So thank you for your candor.
Brittany: We're just getting started, Dad. We're at question two. Okay.
Alexa: Love you, dad.
Chris: Love you too, sweetie. Love you both.
Brittany: Okay. So for context and even for our own reflection, what kind of meetings have we had as a family? If we haven't had family wealth [00:17:00] meetings, I feel like we have had family meetings.
Chris: We definitely have had family meetings because I remember so much resistance from you two family meetings. So I'm thinking I have a lot to learn about why there was so much resistance the family.
Brittany: Good perspective to have dad. I was remembering as I was preparing for this, A few things. One of them was like, well, I think with the first proper family meeting, I remember, Alexa, I don't know if you remember this, but Lex and I were probably eight or 10 or something like that. And family friends of ours had. The parents split up, they were divorced and I remember you and mom very intentionally after church one day, sitting us down and explaining, you know, this is what's happened and know that mom and I love each other very much and that will never happen to our family. Was [00:18:00] like the first distinctive, we are sitting down as a family to have a discussion memory I had.
Alexa: Interesting. I have two types of family meanings I remember. first actually being around Christmas. And, yeah, I feel like it was probably when I was, you know, around the age of 10. So Brit, you would have been like six or seven. And it was actually mom and dad sitting us down and asking us if there was any type of organizations that we wanted to give kind of some Christmas money to. It was sort of like, is there anything on your girl's heart that you feel passionate about that you want us to like look into giving some money to? So I, I remember that always felt like kind of a more formal family meeting.
Brittany: I remember that being really awkward.
Alexa: Yeah, yeah, they, they always were, and yeah, maybe we'll, we'll get into why family meetings…
Chris: Mostly because you have an awkward dad.
Alexa: I'll get there. I wasn't going to say that distinctly, but the second type of meeting I remember us [00:19:00] having was always about more about family trips about. Yeah. Is there places that we would like to go? Cause traveling is kind of a special way that our family really connects and bonds
And then more recently in recent years, I feel like we've had family meetings. More about what specifically Brittany and I, and our husbands are envisioning for our future. with our kids. Where do we want to live? like we've had like family business, very casual family, No, you've been there. We've talked about vineyards.
Brittany: Oh yeah, I…
Alexa: Which I realized like maybe those aren't, you know, it was kind of dad presenting ideas and whatnot, but even those always felt very formal. So, yeah, I would say the tone of our family meetings. We, we have a hard time maybe gauging the level of formality with the topic.
Brittany: Totally agreed.
Alexa: Yeah. And sometimes it,
Brittany: [00:20:00] We have this joke that every time dad has to talk about something to us, even if it's like, can you make the coffee today? It's like, Brittany, I have something to say… honey…. I just had to say it. Could you please make the coffee today?
Alexa: so there's our hesitancy about having a real family meeting because our very basic life things can feel a little formal in our family. Yeah.
Brittany: Very intense.
Alexa: So those are my memories of family meetings.
Chris: Like I said, humbling.
Brittany: Sorry, Dad.
Chris: Question for you Lex. What do you want from a family meeting in this season of life?
Alexa: I think what I'm craving is to just have, I feel like Brittany and I are now we're at an age where we're old enough, where I think we can kind of. hold, you know, the, the [00:21:00] reality of our, of our family, obviously as mom and dad, as the leaders of it still, but that, yeah, to sort of have it on the table of like, this, this is what we're working with here when it comes to the wealth side of things.
And I do feel like you have sown in a lot of character and intellect, but maybe just also a refinement of like, if, if these are like the key principles. That I hope we have sown into you. And if there's question around that, let's talk about as a family, how we can continue to like, be in conversation about this or like grow those sides to match our hopes.
That will, yeah. And in hopes that that will accompany the wealth transfer whenever and however that happens. so yeah, I think that's really what I'm looking for. And I feel like, like I said, that we're actually at an age that we can. Have that conversation and.
Brittany: yeah, I feel, I feel that things were money was quite [00:22:00] secretive. I felt growing up, That we really weren't, and we were not involved in the conversation, which is, it's, it's a choice.
They made that choice, which is fine. But yeah, there does come a point where. In adulthood where you're like, okay, like, you're going to, like, we should talk about this
Alexa: Again, even if we're not getting it, like we still have to. Yeah.
Brittany: matter. It's just like, we should probably know some things cause we're going to have kids and yeah, right,
Chris: Okay. So, I guess my, my comment is, you know, I, I fully acknowledge that money was quite secretive. It was something that mom and I talked about alone. We were very much on the same page and like our model was, I was responsible for inflow and your mom was responsible for outflow. And that, that worked for us.
It's not, The model that every family should adopt because you have different people and that sort of thing. But I think a lot of the modeling we probably got from our parents because that's the way it was. I'm finding [00:23:00] this conversation really helpful. And as I'm listening to it, I'm actually saying to myself, I can't wait. For Arlene to listen to this, because it's been so enlightening for me already. And I'm sure your mom's going to be very enlightened as well. She's a little brighter than I am, so maybe not quite as much as me, but
Brittany: Talking about successful family wealth management, you obviously made a decision when we were young to keep things very private from us. So I guess my question for you is, what does successful family wealth management mean to you? What does that look like to you?
Chris: Well, that's, that's a big question and it's one I'm not prepared for, I guess, but so off the cuff
Brittany: It was on the list, but okay.
Chris: so, when I'm on my deathbed and I'm looking back over my life, I think, If I look out and I see my children and my grandchildren and hopefully [00:24:00] maybe some of my great grandchildren by then where I'm justifiably proud of who they are and I'm justifiably proud of the contribution they're making to society I, I, I think I'd be very grateful. And so, and I know if, if I have those first two things, I don't have to worry about the money because it, it'll get looked after. that's what it looks like for me.
Brittany: Yeah, that almost reminds me of that almost like a fear to not spoil us that money would Not ruin us, but then also that if there is money available, it would propel us onto goodness, not the other way. Yeah. Lex, what about you?
Alexa: I think in a lot of ways it does resemble what data is already shared. And yeah, what came to [00:25:00] mind for me is just that, as I similarly where it's like when I think of the generations that are to come, hopefully come from me and from my line, it would be that there their capacity to contribute to a better world would continue to grow and that can come through financial resources, but that mostly comes through character and intellect.
So I think that is what success looks like. And yeah, for me, it'd be so thrilling to, you know, even give whatever small gifts I'm able to give my children in these three areas to see those multiplied and to see the impact of those be even greater in our world, to me, that would be a successful passing on of wealth.
Chris: Wow. Alexa, you just absolutely nailed it. Like the capacity to grow across generations. You nailed that. Like, wow.
Alexa: Thanks,
Chris: How about you, Britt?
Brittany: I don't really have much to add. I think I agree with Lexa [00:26:00] saying about the amplifying over generations that it would only exponentially grow. I think, the only other thing I would add, which is, this isn't something that signifies success. I think this is something that brings about success.
But I think for me, it would be about having a lot of honesty and a lot of space for conversation about this. Like, I, I guess for me, it's of it is that, you know, Our generation, as we're still here and our future generations, it would just be a really normal thing to talk about in our family. And there wouldn't be shame around it. There wouldn't be fear around it that it would actually be like a really beautiful part of our family, regardless of the amount, you know, just about our relationship with money would actually be really healthy and fruitful. I think that's an important piece of it for me, which I think brings about what exactly Alexa is saying. So anything else to add before we get practical because we're about to get practical real fast
Chris: Let's get [00:27:00] practical.
Alexa: Let’s get practical.
Brittany: so obviously we're meeting today to prepare for a proper meeting with the rest of the family. So I guess let's just jump into what does everyone want that meeting to look like?
Chris: I'll start because I've actually attended a few family wealth meetings in various capacities, sometimes observers, sometimes sharing the meetings, sometimes as a participant. I've learned a few things through that. And one of the things that I've learned is that I don't think the patriarchs the matriarch should ever go into a family wealth meeting with a predetermined outcome.
By the time we get through this meeting, we're going to achieve X. And that wouldn't have been my approach five years ago. But I think there's validity in this today. because I think you risk shutting down all perspectives being heard.
And I think if you're going to make [00:28:00] any progress, all perspectives have to be heard. have to be validated. I don't mean agreed with, but at least validate it. In other words, Alexa, this is what I heard you say. Did I get it right? Or Brittany, this is what I heard you say. Did I get it right?
Alexa: I think when you were talking about practicality things, definitely for me in person, cause I just think it's helpful to be able to see people's body language So you can actually listen well to people and try and really understand where they're coming from and how they're kind of responding to the different things that you're sharing.
I would love to see spouses involved and in the sense that at least, and again, maybe this goes to like how my marriage works, but that we. Very much carry the finances together. And again, whether we receive any of this ourselves, or if it just goes to our kids, we're going to be the ones as a team, we will be carrying this on in our family and to dad's future generation.
So, I think it's important to have spouses in on [00:29:00] that. I appreciate what you were saying, dad, that I think that is wise to not have this, like, objective that you're trying to essentially have like this specific outcome from some family ish meetings or other meetings I've been part of, I do think it's helpful to have maybe some general goals and maybe not that it's like we get to this specific outcome, but more like we want to make sure that everyone gets heard around this area or, you know, for you and mom to say.
Here, here at the end of this meeting, we at least want to be able to communicate these three things as values that we have because I've also been part of meetings where sometimes people, you just start spinning, like everyone's just now sharing this. And you're like, so out in the weeds. And it's, I think, especially for a first family meeting, maybe having a little bit of like a core bucket of like, these are some general, maybe just like communication [00:30:00] objectives. And that both means hearing and sharing.
Brittany: So there's almost like a purpose over an objective. Yeah. So that we're all clear of like why we're having a conversation, but where it leads is ok?
Alexa: Yeah. And I think too, just if we do get out in the weeds around some like really finicky things to be able to go back and be like, okay, but we're just, we're starting at the core right now. And yeah, like I almost think you need to approach these meetings maybe with some. being open that it like it might take layers to do or the being like this is the first of our family meeting and being okay to be like all right at this point we're done whether that means we've communicated everything or if everyone starts to get too worked up and tired or you know like there's sometimes those needs need to be met where it's like we just need to pause and…
Brittany: Like we're not like making a longevity plan in our first family meeting. even if it's [00:31:00] just. Our purpose today is that everyone would share their thoughts on these three topics or something like that, or that we would know everyone's value on X, Y, Z, like, if, even if that's just like an opening conversation to, to kind of. Create a bit more willingness and a bit more space.
Chris: Well, and especially when you're including spouses, for example, which Alexa kind of surprised me a little bit there. my sense would have been, not surprised me that, you know, her and Adam work at this together as a team. But my first thought was that we wouldn't have spouses.
But after hearing Alexa. Speak about that. It makes eminent sense to me now.
Brittany: It would feel really weird for me not to have my spouse there. Because it is like I completely see him as part of this family. And I hope that everyone in my familywould see him the same way. And then [00:32:00] that yeah, it is a team effort to steward this on and he came from a hold of, it's almost like the most important to have the spouses because they come from a whole different family system. And so if they're going to be contributing to the generations of this family…
Chris: Yeah. And just to be quite honest with you, it's just I hadn't thought about it in that context, but now it just makes perfect sense to me because your mom and I work as a team. So why wouldn't we be trying to pass that off to you two as this is a team sport.
So yeah, it makes, makes eminent sense to me. I want to just drop back to what Alexa was saying. I I think I hear you saying, Alexa, is that maybe your first family meeting, if you will, only got to a place of This is how we agree we're going to behave in these meetings or For example, like i've used this in other family [00:33:00] meetings. It's just like All perspectives are valid. We have to agree to that or we're never going to get anywhere We show up on time we say please and thank you sounds elementary, but It helps But you know, just an agreed set of principles on how we're going to operate these family meetings. That would be really helpful.
Brittany: Is that what you were saying Lex?
Alexa: Sort of, I guess in my mind I feel, and it might actually depend on your family context, like I feel like for our family that would, we could probably figure that out in a few minutes, like just being like, okay, yeah, here's kind of the standards for this meeting. Are we all okay with this? As I've been like thinking about more of what this meeting could look like, I think in my mind, I'm almost envisioning, and again, this might be very much for our family context because Brittany and I have already shared a bit about how we felt a little in the dark, especially in regards to the financial piece.
So I think for me, how I'd envision this meeting is a bit of you and mom sharing, like, here's how much money [00:34:00] we're talking about in these different, like in these different realms. And again, it doesn't have to be like, you don't have to bring a spreadsheet. But just even to have like a bit of a, an understanding of like…
Brittany: Just context
Alexa: Some context, yeah, very much just context.
And again, not because we're counting our dollars, but because…
Brittany: There's a responsibility.
Alexa: Yeah, and even to understand the weight of responsibility, I think it's important to understand,
And then, yeah, I'd love to hear from you guys. Like I said, I think I know these things, but almost like if you could boil down your, your three biggest, like hopes and values that you would hope to see us like interact with, with that wealth in these particular ways, I'd love to hear those.
And then I think from you guys to be able to hear from Brittany and I kind of just our initial response to that and how we see maybe ourselves fitting in or like carrying those values and those intellectual things. And yeah, maybe keeping it more on the like, again, just [00:35:00] let's get this on the table.
Let's hear how we all respond to this and not worry about trying to make a game plan. this time around.
Brittany: and I do kind of feel. Like dad when you were saying I you were almost describing like these are the ground rules I agree with Lexa that can be a very quick like that could just be a one minute intro because I mean this isn't true for every family, but like I think our family generally has respect for each other and Can get along decently well, most of the time and so…
Chris: We’d like to maintain that.
Brittany: But I, I don't see this for our family becoming, you know, a big, really breaking point. so it almost feels a bit overkill for, for our family to say like, okay, these are the rules. Maybe it's just my personality. I don't want to be told what to do…
Alexa: Really?
Chris: Where did you get that from Britt?
Brittany: Yeah, yeah, well, it's generation to generation. But yeah, think [00:36:00] that goes back to the, The trust piece, trusting our character that we will. Listen, and we will care and and then also I would like to trust that our values and our voices would also be heard and in return.
Chris: I'm learning a lot out of this and I'm actually, rather than being apprehensive about our first family wealth meeting, I, I'm, actually looking forward to it.
Alexa: Oh, good.
Chris: Really what I'm hearing here is at some point, we're going to be shouldered with a big responsibility and the responsibility comes in a lot of forms. We're going to have responsibilities for passing from one generation to the next character and intellect, but also there's going to be some financial resources and whether or not it bypasses our hands, and goes to the next generation, we still have to make sure it gets stewarded well. I think I'm okay sharing this with you. Mom and I have really rethought a few things. we're not going to [00:37:00] entirely skip the first generation for the benefit of the second generation. That's not our intention. It's super, super important to us that you girls and your husbands and children and children to be are. Close to us if we can help make that happen. So, you know, we are going to help you with housing eventually, because there's no way you can afford to stay here in our particular Victoria, Vancouver area without some help. So that's going to happen. but we need to have a discussion around how does that happen? And, you know, what are the responsibilities around that?
Brittany: Yeah, I almost feel like kind of reflecting on the conversation as a whole. I feel like you really taught us. The character of stewarding and gratitude when it comes to money. Like, I feel like we have a healthy perspective, I guess. We're kind of tooting our own horn here. I am, but I feel like at the same time, a lot of the messaging growing up [00:38:00] was like, you have to be really responsible with money and you really gotta, you know, you gotta be careful and you gotta, there's like a lot of responsibility. And we received that and we were like, okay, like we're going to be really responsible and then we're like waiting to you know, it's like, well, we're, we're ready. give us some responsibility then, if this is what you want us to do.
Chris: Yeah. Okay. So I, I might point out that I think you already are responsible because of some, some of the things we've sown into you. Like you girls and your husbands, like as units are both really responsible with money. You know, that's hopefully from some modeling and some degree of luck, maybe.
Brittany: I think it was absolutely from your modeling. And I'm so grateful, like, every day that that's the modeling I received. I guess what I'm getting at is, we're responsible enough with our small potatoes. [00:39:00] And, but I feel like there's like this whole dragon in the corner that we've never met.
And, and like, we're not getting younger. You're not getting younger. I feel like the time has come to…
Alexa: Yeah. Yeah.
Chris: Yeah.
Alexa: Yeah. Teach us how to care for the dragon so the dragon doesn't eat us.
Brittany: Yeah, like, I don't know about you, Lex, I get worried sometimes. cause I've heard all, not the horror stories, but just like, it does feel like a dragon sometimes, you know?
And so I would like to start feeling prepared to not only receive it well and take care of it well, but mostly to steward it well to the next generations…
Alexa: yeah, because I think it's one of those like, yeah, I do feel like you sowed a lot of responsibility into us and then maybe circling back to like earlier on when Brittany was talking about the trust thing, maybe that's where it's felt a little disconnected where it's like. Okay, well, you sewed in this, responsibility, and then we hear you say, Yeah, you guys are really responsible, but then there's, this, room that we're not allowed in and that we don't know what's, [00:40:00] what's there.
And again, it's, and I do think there was like a healthiness of that in regards to age and growing So I think my feedback is for other families to think about just being intentional at when to begin opening that door and actually.
Yeah, like, spend the time sowing in, but then, get to a point of opening the door, otherwise you're kind of outside, like, so have we not reached it yet?
Brittany: Yeah. It starts to make you question things,
Alexa: Yeah.
Chris: I’m hearing the need for better transparency. And as we process this conversation, or as I process the conversation, I start to think back about the families I've been involved with, and like a lot of the problems turn up when everything has been kept secretive. And then all of a sudden, kaboom! There's this massive atomic bomb that goes off, and like you said, nobody's prepared for it. “We had no idea!”
Brittany: There is a dragon.
Alexa: There is a dragon…
Chris: That’s a good way of putting it.
Brittany: [00:41:00] It's not a lion.
Alexa: Yeah.
Chris: Yeah.
Brittany: And we're playing with cats over here.
Alexa: I think what you're getting at Brit is similar to what I was saying that yeah, we, we've always heard the horror stories. And it's almost made you and I very fearful. Or, and, and a lot of ways it's probably driven us to be like, okay, we don't want to be those kids.
I think Brittany and I. Both carry that weight of responsibility and yeah, we, we don't wanna wake up one morning and realize that there's a dragon to be taken care of, but we don't know. The first thing about, about dragons, you know, yeah, we know how to take care of a cat or a lion. But this is a different creature and I think at some point, with your kids that, you know, when it comes, when they've hit certain ages or certain character developments or intellect developments, like you do have to kind of bring, bring them eventually to the dragon. If we keep, you know, using [00:42:00] that analogy so that we actually, we learn how to interact with the dragon.
We learn what it needs. We learn yeah, how to care for it how to keep it tame. And I think that's where, Brittany and I we're like, let's do this now while we're all in our right minds.
Brittany: And I don’t want this to be a short and easy conversation and it's not meant to be, you know, it's meant to be like kind of a lifelong development thing. And I think, I guess what Alexa and I are trying to say is there, it feels like there's a piece of this missing, you know, we've done a lot of the character and a lot of the intellect and actually. If you can believe it, it's the money piece that's missing that we feel like we're not prepared for practically, you know, and so, and I, I don't want to have a week long crash course with Chris, I want to have a lifelong learning with mom and dad. You know, and I want to be a part of conversations that [00:43:00] maybe I don't understand them now, but I'll understand them in five years or 10 years.
And I'll be grateful for them. And, and I want to learn from my sister and I want to include our spouses and have everyone. Learn together and yeah, I don't want it to be this weird deathbed conversation and I don't want it to be this like, “Okay. We had a family meeting. Bye! You know. Good to go!”
Chris: So, okay. How often should we be having a family wealth meeting?
Alexa: I think that depends a little bit on I guess like when there's changes in wealth or you know, cause again, back to when we were kids, dad, when you guys would kind of sit down and ask, like, are there any organizations that you're passionate about? And I know nowadays, like there's a certain amount of money that you and mom kind of have set aside that is for yeah, for, for giving to different organizations.
So I wonder if even there, like, you know, if there's [00:44:00] a season where you're like, okay, we actually want to take a bigger step in this season of being more generous with this money that we have set aside. And as we were just in our last little section, as we were talking, the, the word that kept coming to mind to me was just like, you know, An apprenticeship where it's like, if there's ways that you could start involving us in a more intentional apprenticeship when it comes to the wealth stuff.
And so again, bringing us back and being like: Hey, there's actually this much money available. This is how we've made decisions about it in the past. Does that check out with you? Is there, you know, is there something that we're missing or yeah. Are there, how, how would you, or even just starting to ask us, like how would you go about stewarding this money?
And it's not that you… Yeah, well, and again, it's not that you have to like, listen or like, make every, like, that we're all of a sudden making the decisions, but bringing us in as apprentices for how some of those maybe bigger decisions are made…
Chris: That's really [00:45:00] interesting mom and I had that conversation within the last two weeks. It's, maybe time for us to start allocating money. to both families to decide where it goes.
Brittany: can I can I insert because something I don't think we've talked to Lex about this was something dad and I've been talking about recently is this idea of grandparents partnering with grandchildren When they're kind of in that 12 year old range, every year, they have their own little meeting and they say, okay, we have this amount of money to give away.
And, you know, it might be a hundred dollars, maybe a thousand dollars. I don't know, but the kid gets to research with the grandparents where they might, spend that money and then they can be a part of the process of giving and go and visit, see the difference that money can make. At a young age that instills responsibility and also generosity. And as you said in the very beginning, there's a unique bond between a grandparent and a grandchild.
Alexa: that idea, and especially when you said, [00:46:00] Britt, like, let's actually go and see what that money does. Because I think as adults, you can kind of conceptually, See what it does. But I think especially for children showing them the difference that that makes.
And I think that will really start to instill those values that like this is something that can positively affect the world and not just like make someone feel good, but that it can actually meet needs. It can change lives. It can move things in a different direction. And I think that's a super valuable thing for young, little humans to see.
Chris: Speaking of influencing young minds like that one of my great clients shared this with me and I just thought it was so brilliant. I'm speaking specifically to grandparents if you're taking your grandchildren out. to buy them a Christmas gift of their choosing. Pull the money out in cash, give it to the grandchild and let him or her pay for it. They get an idea of how much money and the [00:47:00] value as opposed to you clicking your credit card. They'll have no idea. And I just thought that was such a brilliant piece of advice.
Brittany: I think part of that story was actually that he presented the grandchild with, okay, here's 100 and it's in cash. You can go through the store and you can buy whatever you want, but your limit is 100 because you only have 100. So you can get three things that are 30 or you can get one thing that's 100. And so the grandchild went around and said like, Oh, Okay. I can get two of those, right? Or I, Oh, I could get one of those. Or so you kind of see the value of money.
Chris: The child is, is forced to make decisions, value decisions, you know.
Brittany: To answer your earlier question of how many times we should meet I think what we're discovering is It might not be as formal as we think it is in terms of like family meetings. There might be like instances that negate having a sit down family meeting with everyone. But like Alexa was saying, what we're actually looking for is a bit more of [00:48:00] like an apprenticeship thing, that's ongoing and relational, really.
Chris: So what I'm hearing is less formality, more intentionality.
Alexa: Yeah.
Brittany: Yeah, that's great, well done, dad.
Chris: Okay. So we're, we're going to enter into the Christmas season here. We all are going to be congregated. Do we take an hour? Probably can't get much more than an hour because of competing priorities for Alexa, AKA our grandchildren.
Brittany: Yeah. Can there be food?
Chris: Yes, there will be food. And maybe some wine.
Brittany: I feel like that would make it a bit, well, I think, you know, make it a bit less formal, you know, make it more of like a, we're having a discussion together and it doesn't need to be a boardroom meeting where you have to bring your blazer.
Alexa: I’m very excited, because I think as we've kind of talked about these, I, I'm actually really glad, you know, even when you're talking about the whole spouse thing, dad, I am glad that we had a bit of a, a pre pre family meeting meetings so that you hear a bit just specifically from us as our [00:49:00] experience as your daughters and, and yeah, I do feel like this is kind of primed, what can be a really fruitful family discussion and gives you and mom a chance to go over some stuff too.
Chris: Even if mom and I are the only two that listen to this it's been really worthwhile.
Brittany: I seriously, Lex, when you say that, I'm just now realizing how terribly this first meeting could have gone if we hadn't talked to each other. Maybe not terrible, but less productive,
Alexa: I think that's it where and I think I would have been frustrated by the lack of fruitfulness that we would have just kind of been like spinning tires Yeah, totally.
Brittany: And I would have been defensive.
Alexa: Yeah. maybe that's our piece of advice coming out of this is actually, you know, have a pre meeting with just your kids, mostly to kind of get on the table, just like what all of your experience around these three things has been in the process of raising your kids and then for [00:50:00] kids like as experiencing that.
And, I feel like we're all walking away from this, not offended. I hope that's, that's the case.
Chris: I hope nobody's offended!
Alexa: Yeah. And so, and just dad, when you were talking about ground rules earlier, maybe the ground rules are more for like the pre conversation of like, let's just get everyone's experience. Yeah, no judgment, just your experience of these three things within your family unit. And then from there you can actually have the family meeting. Kind of aware of everyone’s angles.
Brittany: Cause I feel like this actually really helped me process what I felt like I was missing and what I would want from a meeting. Is there anything else to add?
Chris: I guess the only thing that I would add is, you know, to our clients and friends people listening to this podcast, we are approaching this season of peace. I just want to say thank you for, Allowing a spirit and [00:51:00] really you can see today my entire family be, be part of your story and, and hopefully what we're doing here has some value to you, I want to wish you and your family the very best over this Christmas season and may God bless.
Brittany: Can we take a moment to appreciate dad's Fortnite gaming headphones that he had to wear
Alexa: Yeah, they have been a little distracting, I'm not gonna lie.
Chris: Yeah. Thank you Zechariah.
Brittany: I want to post that on the website.
Brittany: thank you very much for joining us today. I know it's not always easy for you to get away, so thank you to you and Willa and Ember for letting us have Alexa…
Alexa: Adam, Adam's the one you have to thank.
Brittany: The real MVP.
Alexa: Yeah.
Chris: and Brittany and Alexa, thanks for being candid. It was wonderful. for me to hear these things. And you know, I was meeting with a friend for coffee this morning and we were talking about how when we're presented with different evidence, we need to be prepared to shift our [00:52:00] thinking. Certainly that has, that's happened here for me today and I'm grateful. Thank you both.
Alexa: Thanks for having me.
Brittany: Thank you for listening, everybody. I hope this is helpful to your families. Take care and we'll…
Chris: Be back in the new year! For our audience feedback is solicited. So send me an email if you have, be it positive or negative, including any topics you'd like us to cover in the future and you can connect with us at AspiraWealth.com.
Brittany: And a quick thank you to Nathan Clark for composing our podcast music.
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